Getting a grip

[cal]

In reading many of the posts and thinking about my own NFH, I wonder if the arbitrary and illogical abuse that we experience as a result of having NFHs makes us more sensitive to how others treat us. In my own experiences with my NsFH, I remember being so angry and upset all the time that my fuse was very short. When you are constantly in "flight or fight" mode, it may be hard to step back and take the time to interpret someone's intent. Have others experienced this?

[Bob]

Yep. I call it NFH Syndrome. You can go from focused and positive one moment, to frazzled and vigilant the next. Family life suffers. Your health suffers. Neighbors From Hell inform us that the world is a stinking, rotten, lousy place, even though it's not in all cases, and we carry with us that notion through our travels. It impacts work, relationships, driving habits, you name it.

Not to break the board rules concerning language, but I can't stress this enough: This shit is serious. We're not all here because we're whiney and intolerant. Having a Neighbor From Hell changes you at your core. Not for the better. It can take years to undo the damage, and even surgery in some cases.

[xyz]

Yep, it does...it can completely color one's outlook for the worse, one just needs to see it for what it is & isolate it. You'll find your center again & it will pass, just stay true to yourself & who you are. Don't let them taint your whole world, the world is full of normal, decent people.

[Bob]

Well said.

[dullrose]

At the peak of our NFH problems, I felt isolated and lost perspective. It seemed my entire world was about our NsFH. It was impossible to think beyond this. I'm glad I reached out for help from my good friends...they reminded me that life is so much more than living with NsFH. I couldn't control what our NsFH did, although I could alter my perspective about our situation. The more I enjoyed my life, the more our NsFH suffered. They couldn't control their own lives, although they made darn well sure that they would put forth their efforts to control ours by making us as miserable as they were. Now they're miserable somewhere else.

[cal]

Learning that I am not alone has definitely helped me and I am better able to recognize when I am letting the NsFH get to me. At first I would just say to myself that I was not going to let whatever stupid and childish thing they did effect my whole day and after a while I would actually feel that way. One of the reasons I brought it up this topic is that I do notice that periodically members of this message board react negatively to the suggestions, advice or questions from others on this board in a way that surprises me. I realize that sometimes there is a history that I may not be aware of, but perhaps how we sometimes negatively react to each other on this board is a reflection of the stress and anger we are trying to deal with daily.

[Carol]

I concur.

[Bob]

As do I. We in effect compose a group therapy session here. We all have issues, issues that came from dealing with hideous neighbors.

It's not unlike post-traumatic stress disorder.

[Carol]

<, post-traumatic stress disorder.>>

yeah but *post* would mean we are only dealing with the aftermath. Many here are dealing with it daily in real time. Many ,although we have tried to move on, still are haunted with that dreadful feeling. We are in combat sans the paycheck.

[renegade]

Wow!!!

What a great thread!

I have for years felt like I've been living in the flight or fight mode. And it has affected my health and my perception. My husband has also been affected to a lesser extent (for some reason the NFH has targeted me specifically), but hubby too has been caught in the NFH's web.

I truly wish I had found this board years ago, because as Bob and Carol have pointed out, having an NFH IS tantamount to going through a war zone and then suffering through "post tramatic stress disorder".

This site has offered me the "support group" (much like AA, NA, etc) that I need. Family and friends are great whilst we go through this, but they cannot, in their wildest dreams, completely comprehend what we go through. It is only those who have a common experience that can completely understand the depth and breadth of said experience.

Although I know my fight is far from over, knowing I can come here and "vent" is theraputic in and of itself.

All of you have been so supportive of me, not only in how to fight the NFH, but in seeking TRUE justice, now that a part of the legal fight is coming to an end.

I'd just like to thank all of you. Your support has been like a breath of fresh air!!!!

[Carol]

<<for some reason the NFH has targeted me specifically), >>

Oh, that's an easy one. I figured it out when the same was happening to me. The men NFH are wussies. They can only bully women. Or at least excel at it. A man would knock the crap out of them and make them look like the wussies they are.
Now, when they come up against a tough female, they really tend to escalate because we de-masculate them.
(sorry to sound so Jesse Jackson-esk)

[Bob]

I don't have all my research nailed down yet, and I concur with Carol about some men victimizing women in the NFH arena because they feel they can without physical consequences. But I've found there are certain natural similarities/bonds among men that prevent them from entering disagreement with the same volume and depth as they might with women. Male-female neighbor conflict has a different charge to it. I'm finding men are more likely to like their male neighbors than female neighbors -- it isn't just a fear thing. Fear may play a role, though. I'm not sure and again, I lack sufficient studies. Separately, I'm finding women don't as often share this same-gender bond.

Keep in mind also that women may feel bullied by men when immersed in a conflict for natural, physical reasons. The male opponent may have no intention of being a bully or being of a threatening nature, but can still be perceived as intimidating.

It's never black and white, folks. Sorry to stray a bit from NFH Syndrome -- I don't want to veer off course from a great string.

[dullrose]

When you are constantly in "flight or fight" mode, it may be hard to step back and take the time to interpret someone's intent. Have others experienced this?

There is an alternative to the dichotomy of fight or flight mode -- observation, being still, and allowing oneself to feel the emotional roller-coaster of pain, anger, suffering, hostility, insanity, and whatever else one experiences...these feelings will pass, even though it felt to me as if they never would. Once I stopped trying to interpret our NsFH intent, it made life a whole lot easier. Over time I learned to observe and not read into it. It is what it is, and I knew I sure the hell didn't like it...at all.

Knowing their intent or motivation didn't stop their behavior or attitude. It didn't make things any better for me. It did not improve the situation. I couldn't stop them or change them for the better, no matter what I did or didn't do. I could, however, learn ways to take better care of myself whenever they upset me, which was several times daily and nightly.

The key for me was to give up any desire to interpret anything on their end. Once I achieved this, I freed myself from so many constraints I imposed upon myself. Still, I often find myself returning to this old behavior and must remind myself to redirect my thinking...I have to make a conscious decision to do this, as it does not come natural to me.

One of the first things I learned to do was to breathe. I know, it sounds odd, although whenever I got upset I would hold my breath without realizing it. And then, when I finally did breathe, I breathed into my chest rather than into my stomach, and I was breathing too fast, which triggered fear and brought me right to the brink of fight or flight mode -- over and over again like a self-perpetuating cycle. I also learned to breathe slowly, in and out, which helps prevent my heart from racing when I'm upset. When my heart races, my blood pressure shoots through the roof. A good friend of mine turned me onto breathing yoga and it changed my life. Deep slow breathing can make a world of difference, and it's such a simple tool we have at our fingertips.

I also used to ruminate upon what our freakin' NsFH did to us. It was unhealthy at multiple levels and circuitous. Alternate movement helps me address this. Walking is a prime example of alternate movement, or "tapping" (e.g., tapping fingers, hands, or feet alternately, which works great if I am sitting) . Alternate movement taps into a different part of the brain which breaks the circuitous ruminating. I don't know how it works, although it works well for me.

Between breathing wrong and dwelling on NFH crap, I was really at a loss about my life in our house. I had hoped and prayed that I would literally just drop dead and be done with all this NFH BS once and for all. I wished I could wiggle my nose like Samantha in Bewitched and simply disappear...or that I could nod my head like Barbara Eden in I Dream of Jeannie and vanish...no such luck. Breathing correctly during times of extreme duress and managing magnetic thoughts was a major breakthrough for me. I didn't think they could make a difference, although these two tools have made a vast difference in my life for the better. These discoveries were the raw beginnings of managing my health, as it really plummeted from all the stress that stemmed from dealing with our freakin' NsFH.

This is not to say that NFH BS doesn't greatly upset me, as it does, although I now recognize that my number one priority in dealing with our NsFH is to better manage my health, as it has suffered too much for too long.

[xyz]

<<for some reason the NFH has targeted me specifically), >>

Oh, that's an easy one. I figured it out when the same was happening to me. The men NFH are wussies. They can only bully women. Or at least excel at it. A man would knock the crap out of them and make them look like the wussies they are.
Now, when they come up against a tough female, they really tend to escalate because we de-masculate them.
(sorry to sound so Jesse Jackson-esk)

Obviously from this site not all NFH sufferers are female, I think it is more about just choosing targets they think they can successfully pull their sh** on & get away with it(regardless of gender), combined with the opportunity/proximity to do so. Most everyone on this board (male/female/?) seem to be of a civilized nature, which to the likes of NsFH ilk = weakness/easy pickin's. As stated at http://www.nononsenseselfdefense.com/stalking.html ; "If he even thought you had what it takes to wait in the shadows near his front door with a shotgun he wouldn't be doing it." & they're right. Nor will we harm their animals, harass their children, stalk, vandalize, steal, etc... we're too civilized for that. Well that & just not being evil, of course.

[xyz]

I wished I could wiggle my nose like Samantha in Bewitched and simply disappear...or that I could nod my head like Barbara Eden in I Dream of Jeannie and vanish...no such luck.

Interesting that you would choose to remove yourself & not the NFH, or not exact vengeance upon them.

[hadit]

This thread is the crux of NFHism. We have to not allow ourselves to get sucked into the vortex of their toxicity. They infiltrate our lives and try and bring us down with them. Rejecting them and going on about our happy lives is our greatest gift to ourselves. We have to learn they can't train us. I have to tell myself everyday that when my NFH torments me I expect it,and prepare to not respond,that is the power I give myself. It's beyond my scope of rational thought how these people exist in society.

[Carol]

<<I'm finding women don't as often share this same-gender bond.
>>

Bob, it's called cat fighting. Sorry, couldn't resist.

[xyz]

<<I'm finding women don't as often share this same-gender bond.
>>

Bob, it's called cat fighting. Sorry, couldn't resist.

It depends on the individual regardless of gender, some go for sizing up others/competition/pecking order, some just live & let live/want to get along.

[dullrose]

I wished I could wiggle my nose like Samantha in Bewitched and simply disappear...or that I could nod my head like Barbara Eden in I Dream of Jeannie and vanish...no such luck.

Interesting that you would choose to remove yourself & not the NFH, or not exact vengeance upon them.

At some primal level, we wanted to exact revenge, but in the end -- where would this leave us? Especially if they still lived next to us. It would perpetuate this cycle of NFHism. What we wanted was for this NFH to simply leave us alone. They wouldn't stop harassing/assaulting/violating us/our property, higher authorities did nothing, laws to protect us were not enforced...thus, I wanted to vanish to remove myself from our hellish living situation. Living in continual stress, frustration, anger, etc. is so unhealthy and can make one lose perspective about life in general. I did lose perspective, which is why I wanted to disappear to make it all stop once and for all. So, I reached out to learn ways to better manage my health in the midst of living with this constant/non-stop NFH crap. My physical health deteriorated greatly over the course of living in our house next door to this NFH, as did the health of my spouse. Moving was never an affordable option for us; thus, I wished I could remove myself whenever things heated up.

[noisemaker]

Recently I suggested to a friend that I ought to buy a newspaper announcement to publicly thank my hellish neighbors for saving my life. You see, when I moved next door to them I was trying to give up on life and disappear into a tiny black hole, but the relentless noise from their illegal business operation became the "hook" that kept me engaged. Many of my comfort zones were violated - and I abandoned them. I learned more about my city and local area in three years than in several decades previous. I now speak up for myself as I never did before. Perhaps a better or stronger self emerged because I took the unneighborly fight, firstly, next door, secondly, into the fray of the public forum and, lastly, into the convoluted legal system.

My friend, of course, thought me crazy and nixed the idea.

{At least until I win my case...}

[Bob]

Interesting perspective. Anyone else find there has been something valuable to be taken from having experienced the hell of a Neighbor From Hell?

[cal]

I've definitely learned more about myself as a result of living with NsFH. Once I recognized that the anger and helplessness I was feeling as result of their antics was spilling over into every aspect of my life, I made an effort to change. One of the biggest problems I had was my husband did not always buy in to ignoring or as I call it "not engaging" with the NsFH when they start. I too have learned to control my breathing, repeat to myself as a mantra "It's them, not me". However, it doesn't always work. The Flight or Fight response is a biological response to a threat. Adrenline is a powerful drug. It can be hard to fight your body's reaction.

On another note, my experience is that the female NsFH are far worse than then male NsFH. It is the women who use their cars as weapons while I am walking my dog, it is the women who yell at us, and as an extension, they allow, perhaps encourage, their offspring to do the same. The men, for the most part, leave us alone. I realize that this sounds sexist, but as a women I have been puzzled by their behavior. I often wonder if it is just chance that I am surrounded by exceptionally stupid women who do not consider the consequences of their actions if they did hit me with their car as they speed by.

Just so people have the information they might need I live on a dead end, dirt road, with no sidewalks and a posted speed limit of 15 MPH. I walk my dog twice a day, on a leash.

[dullrose]

...it doesn't always work. The Flight or Fight response is a biological response to a threat. Adrenline is a powerful drug. It can be hard to fight your body's reaction.

Very true, which is where alternate movement enters (for me), in addition to observation and remaining still. It's taken me a couple/few years to learn how to slow down my response when our NsFH pull their shenanigans, as my prior responses came from my survival instinct. It all struck me as being instantaneous and it is lightening-fast, although I have since learned that there's a series of micro-second cognitive processes that take place before I respond. This aside, putting it into practice is an entirely other matter.

So, in response to Bob's inquiry about learning something valuable, I did...I learned a little bit about CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy), breathing yoga, mindfulness (watching, observing without assigning values), and consciously delaying my response to NFH behavior -- which is an ongoing process. I haven't mastered any of this...I am simply practicing while improving gradually at a snail's pace. I'm not quite an old dog, but I can still learn a few tricks to better manage dealing with our remaining NsFH.

[cal]

I couldn't agree more. I think the biggest problem is recognizing that one thing you can control in the interactions with your NsFH is your own individual response. Once you are able to recognize what is happening and learn to manage your response to it, you are back in control. Then you can methodically and rationally make a plan of action to address the problem. As the saying goes "Revenge is a dish best served cold", not that I'm advocating revenge of any sort.

[xyz]

As the saying goes "Revenge is a dish best served cold", not that I'm advocating revenge of any sort.

Oh... I do!!! It's the only way they'll ever learn & stop future sh**, it has to hurt them so bad they won't even consider screwing with/over anyone again. Dominate, dominate, dominate, it's the only thing they seem to understand.

Case in Point:
Years ago there was a guy who posted here (I think he was in the Air Force), as I recall his NFH harassed him & his wife, tried to run her over, tried to get him in trouble at work, etc., pulled out all the stops to make their lives miserable. Guy gets the upper hand in the situation (I don't recall the specs) & puts the hurt on NFH somethin' fierce. NFH comes crawling with his tail between his legs, "You win, I give up, you can stop now." Guy, "Nope, you started this, I'm finishing it. It's done when I say it's done." & kept hammering the NFH for everything he could. Absolutely beautiful... (I think I have something in my eye...*sniff*...I dig happy endings.)