Hello good neighbors

[Bob]

I'm here to answer questions that arise from reading the book, and also to field criticism. I realize that as author AND board moderator, I could wreak havoc with the truth here and make every review seem great. But you all should know me by now. If anyone thinks it sucks, I'm okay with that. I'm not looking for praise, but genuine feedback if you'd like to share yours. And I expect I was imperfect somewhere on those pages in properly explaining something, or maybe you'd like me to provide more detail, so fire away.

Please start new topics as needed concerning specific questions, for the benefit of board visitors. Also, feel free to title NEW TOPICS with your review when you want to start a conversation, or simply write here.

[noisemaker]

Just ordered five copies, Bob ... sorry, everyone else, for hogging . Obviously, I haven't read it yet, but anxiously anticipate spending a few hours with earplugs and the book. My plan is to put one copy on the "Required Reading" shelf in my city's code enforcement department.

Congratulations on this publishing acheivement.

Richard

[dullrose]

Richard, great idea about placing a copy on the "required reading" shelf in your municipality code enforcement department!!

Thanks again Bob for publishing your work and making it available to us who need it most. I'll be sure to post questions, comments, concerns, etc. once I've read it.

[Bob]

Well, thank you both. I do plan to distribute it to police departments when I can, and zoning and other authorities are a great idea.

[noisemaker]

Just picked up my copies (all five!) from the post office, and made it through twenty-nine pages at lunchtime. After work, I'll be reading the rest of the evening I'm lovin' it so far...

I'll have to re-read the first part because I didn't have a highlighhter with me (nor the earplugs to exclude the neighbors' blaring yard radio and their *&*%$ commercial icemaker.)

[Bob]

You know, I probably could have arranged for a volume discount. I don't know if five copies constitutes volume, but again, much appreciated. Hope the rest is engaging.

Also, I hope your municipal officials read it, rather than holding a community book-burning.

[noisemaker]

Wow, Bob. What a read! Half the book is now rendered in yellow highlight. Every member of this website who picks up Neighbors From Hell will “get” every word. Others who pick it up based on the title – probably because they are suffering NsFH – will feel the weight of the world lift from their shoulders and they will catch a glimpse of a far off promised land. This book will provide the spark to rekindle the soul extinguished by evil neighbors.

Your use of earthy phrases kept me entertained during the read. Most hilarious were the ones set up as, “… unless one of them moves away or is [insert a spectacular, public method of getting killed]. Feed the fantasy! Everyone needs the uplift of humor during the seemingly endless darkness. The book is liberally sprinkled with anecdotes of antisocial behaviors and some real life methods of overcoming – or retraining! – the perps.

I suffered one of those involuntarily conditioned and overwhelming spikes of anxiety on page 81, when I read (paraphrased), “Those victimized need lots of TLC.” My personal NsFH illegally operate TLC Catering from next door - Three Lying Cu… uh… Culinaries!

The flow of thought was interrupted by an apparent omission on page 112, first paragraph under #8. The phrase, “get a good night’s sleep,” was missing after the words “physical activity.” Further reflection led me to believe the missing phrase was deliberate.

The hardest parts to swallow, however, were regarding diplomacy on my part. Remaking my internal self, even on the basic level outlined, is where the real battle is. I tried the personal, diplomatic approach two years ago, before engaging the city, then the courts. And the NsFH still exist and operate; city officials still ignore; courts and lawyers still soak up money and time, and exhaust patience.

Here’s to looking forward to the day when our NsFH - mine, yours, everyone's - either “move away or get struck by lightening.”

[dullrose]

Here’s to looking forward to the day when our NsFH - mine, yours, everyone's - either “move away or get struck by lightening.”

Amen!!!

[Bob]

The hardest parts to swallow, however, were regarding diplomacy on my part.

And as I say in the book, those who know me best but love me anyway will tell you, I am not good at the practice of diplomacy. I'm more like Dr. House than Dr. Welby.

[Bob]

To amend what I just said, I am in fact getting better. Better, at least, at faking patience.

The sad fact is, diplomacy at its best works with what I find to be a minority of troubling neighbors. For most I've studied, our early attempts at resolution merely arm the bad guys. Now they know what bothers us. That's why there's the Correction chapter. But diplomacy can work, and when it does, life is good.

[noisemaker]

The deed has been done. One personally inscribed copy of the book, Neighbors From Hell, is now in the hands of the city's Police Chief, and another copy marked as "Property of (city) Police Department Training Library was given to him at the same time.

I explained one was my gift to him and the other for his department, which covers police, code enforcement, and animal control. (In other words, he gets all the "problem people" in town.) When he saw the book's cover, he mentioned he had seen it advertised recently. His copy is the one I read and highlighted earlier - it is chock-full of yellow paragraphs, underlined phrases, margin notes and smilie faces.

Who knows if only two copies can fuel a public book burning but I still have three more copies I need to read and give away...

This could be considered a warning shot to signal the beginning of my political campaign for city council.

[Bob]

Wow, if there's a book burning held just for my book, I'd be there. How cool.

[renegade]

The hardest parts to swallow, however, were regarding diplomacy on my part.

And as I say in the book, those who know me best but love me anyway will tell you, I am not good at the practice of diplomacy. I'm more like Dr. House than Dr. Welby.

I seem to be the female version of Dr. House, LOL!!! I think I've mellowed with age, but if you ask those who "know me best but love me anyway", they might differ in their assessment.

What I find ironic (and maybe it's only me with my strange/warped sense of humor) is that I've been using the log-in name 'renegade' (on oh so many message boards) since way back in '96, but the NFH felt the need to make mention of this to the judge during the civil trial. So of course the judge asked me "Why?" the user-name. My answer, "It's from a song by Tim McGraw (I might ride with the wind, I might follow the sun, I gotta go where I've never been, 'Cause my heart beats to a different drum, It's just the way I was made, I'm a renegade, I'm a renegade). Where I live, people expect a "lemming mentality" and I refuse to adhere to it...I think for myself..."outside the box" so to speak""".
Maybe not the best answer, but one that I truly believe.

Anyways, back to the main topic.

Bob...LOVED the book!!! As I emailed you, I read it during our fact-finding trip, so I didn't have a highlighter with me. Will be re-reading it to make annotations for future reference (just in case the NFH tries anything more).

[Bob]

Thanks Renegade. I think that judge was looking for a reason to peg you as the REAL problem neighbor by asking the question.

[Carol]

FYI, reading the book at 1:00AM has its downside. I have had to reread many parts .
Last night I was reading again about kids being good neighbors. I agree, who wouldn't, but I do take issue with your example of the kids on the trampolione.
Kids need to play. They need to scream,holler and vent. They need physical exercise. (You will see when your own is older). What is wrong with kids playing during the day or early evening? We should applaud kids that play outside and not sit watching TV,etc. all day. Studies have shown the latter are the troublemakers. Not the kid on the bike blowing a whistle, or *whatever*. When my kids were noisey and in my yard I knew they were OK. I worried when it got quiet. I LOVE to hear the kids playing in the schoolyard down the road at lunchtime. This is what makes for having a life.
Quiet,yet stinky cigarette smoke is a NFH thing,imo, not kids playing.

[Bob]

Thanks Carol. What disturbs each of us is individualized, of course, with certain areas that seem to bother the most people the most. Kids on trampolines make noise no different from kids in a pool or playing ball. Daytime noise is often acceptable among neighbors who don't sleep by day/work overnight, but I feel for people who have sleeping babies, bed-confined elderly relatives and overnight jobs, because there isn't a law to be found (excluding bylaws in condo and similar communities) that protects them; most noise laws are for overnight hours.

I agree with your point about quietness. When kids (and criminals, as luck would have it) are up to no good, they're often quiet because they don't want to attract attention.

As for Jack being loud when he gets older, I already come very close to putting a gun in my mouth when he screams for an hour straight. Luckily, I don't have a gun. My neighbors' kids (opposite Mimi Cass) make plenty o'noise, and I have no objection. I'd have to check back to the tramp section, but trampoline noise from screaming teens and tweens is sometimes profane and combative -- not pleasant at any hour. Nonetheless, I never complained about it because it didn't cross my personal boundary about unacceptable daytime noise.

[Bob]

Folks, I see no reviews have been posted to the Amazon page for Neighbors From Hell. Like/Love or Dislike/Hate it, please post your thoughts there. Amazon is where the book sells (CreateSpace treats me better royalty-wise, but volume is volume).

Many thanks.

[bob_o]

Bob,

I very much appreciated your book, it was a voice of reason and compassion during a difficult time, but both the wife and I found that as it relates to animal threats to children, it could potentially offer more advice.

In the book you discuss dog issues at length. But, it seems to be focused mainly as they relate to noise issues. You also state, paraphrasing, that if you do harm to the dog you yourself are the NFH. While I agree with that in the case of barking and petty damages issues, I would like to hear your opinion as it relates to potential physical harm issues. At what point is the line crossed between self-defense and crime in your opinion?

I found that I was absolutely intolerant to any inconsiderate behavior after the threat to my family presented itself. I know that in other situations I would have tolerated some of the small stuff if it hadn’t been for the physical danger. For example, I don’t mind the neighbors having parties from time to time, but in the case of the people who created the threat to my family I was irrational about parties happening at all.

Is there a point where the victim of an NFH becomes so emotionally erratic that he himself reverses roles with his oppressor, and possibly becomes an NFH to someone else?

[Bob]

We can definitely become the bad guys, either toward the original aggressors or someone else. It happens in severe cases, and the majority of the cases I see qualify as severe (how many people with "minor" neighbor problems would visit here or buy a book to deal with them?).

I agree the book focuses mainly on animal noise, and how we the victims of said noise sometimes react inappropriately (blaming the neighbors' pet when it's the neighbors who are at fault for the disturbance). Animal dangers to ourselves and families are different in that, of course, when danger is imminent, we must harm and kill any pet that poses such danger. I'm not offering a legal opinion, and all situations will differ. But in an example where there is a vicious dog charging me or my family, I will kill it and deal with any consequences. I'm not going to have my son's arm torn off while I consider the possible legal ramifications of what may or may not be viewed as self-defense. I love animals, and especially dogs. I love us more.

The problem I had with detailing that in the book is multi-fold. 1) I'm sometimes charged by a stranger's dog in the park while walking my 15-month-old son and 14-year-old dog; I pay close attention as it approaches but I don't act because I'm giving the dog and its owner the benefit of a doubt (and may someday regret that); dogs can be very playful and will simply veer to the side on the final rush; it's fun for them; play ensues; I can't make too-general a recommendation regarding dog aggression and live with potential consequences I may help effect upon readers. 2) My preparedness to kill anyone or thing posing imminent danger is not the healthiest way to be, psychologically; my "condition" as the guy behind the book and this site, along with having experienced serious neighbor turmoil of my own, make me hypervigilant and ready to be aggressive; I realize many/most readers have a similar mindset, but I wouldn't want to imply that anyone with a less advanced "condition" get like us. 3) Dealing with a neighbor's dangerous pet is one of the few issues I haven't encountered personally, so I haven't been sufficiently immersed in the situation so as to have anything genuine to say; I've worked with others in such situations and steer them to proper authorities for their own jurisdictions (these matters vary from one municipality to the next in many cases); I tried in the book to stick with areas I know best, and regrettably, this isn't one.

Returning to the idea that we can become aggressors, I have grave concerns that our hand is increasingly forced in that direction -- do-nothing authorities, increasingly bad neighbors getting more and more out of control -- it's a recipe for disaster that ends badly for us if we're ill-advised by so-called experts writing books and running web sites. I don't mean to discredit myself, and I probably should have detailed in the book what I wrote above.

[bob_o]

Do you find that becoming the aggressor creates a moral dilemma within a person who wouldn’t naturally be that way? I worry that my kids could learn the aggressive behavior, not understanding the circumstances that led to it.

[Bob]

I found myself changed at my core. I literally would step around an ant, but considered harming my human neighbors.

Kids generally seem to adopt their parents voiced views and demonstrated behaviors, but they don't know all that tortures our souls. Luckily. It's the children of Neighbors From Hell who typically parrot and otherwise copy their parents. Better neighbors tend to be better parents -- I personally don't want my son to bother any neighbor whose kids bothered my wife and me. That's not what I want him to be about. I'm sure the desires you have for your children, demonstrated by your concerns and reflections now, will keep them on the "right" side. The psych community differs a bit on what causes aggression; I believe teaching our kids general and specific social responsibility keeps them in the clear.

It's the people who don't have these concerns, whose kids we need to watch out for. They're tomorrow's Neighbors From Hell or, in many cases, today's.

[xyz]

It's the children of Neighbors From Hell who typically parrot and otherwise copy their parents.

They are indoctrinated in the behaviors/attitudes & encouraged/expected to follow suit. NFHjr would slow down while driving past so his pre-school aged kid could hang out the car window & yell at our house. I've found small child's paw prints here & there before, which means he must have brought at least one of them trespassing/stalking. There is no doubt in my mind that NFHjr probably learned the same way from NFHsr.

[Bob]

I see it again and again. I've personally experienced it.

[bob_o]

I saw the phrase "changed at the core" in your book as well. While I understand the use of the phrase in context, I have to say that it is discouraging. I liked who I was, I enjoyed being able to get along with almost anyone, inside I want to resist changing that part of myself. I don't want to be wary of new neighbors or be vigilant to the behavior of others. But at the same time I cannot allow my family to be victims, it really is a conflicting situation.

[Bob]

Kind of like enjoying clams after having tainted ones.